It was such a small moment, but it stayed with me for years. What made it memorable wasn’t the lunch.
It was the yes. And how it made me feel.
Not just that day’s yes—but the fact that this validating approach was his baseline way of moving through the world.
Eventually I understood why it mattered so much. When someone says “yes” to you, they’re not just agreeing to a plan. They’re signaling that they understand what you’re asking for, that they’ve taken your thought process into account, and that your presence is worth responding to with care. They are validating your reality.
A reflexive “no” does the opposite. It forces you into the exhausting position of having to explain and justify yourself. It becomes a burden.
Perhaps that simple yes stood out so starkly because, in the past, I hadn’t received many of them. We all know the feeling of scarcity—pitching an idea and being shut down, or standing on a dusty softball field hoping not to be the last one picked.
Dismissal chips away at the sense that your presence matters. But when someone hears you and agrees with you? That is the adult equivalent of being chosen for the team.
The Real Currency of Belonging
This is the part most leaders miss: leadership isn’t created by charisma, strategy, or mission statements. Those things can inspire people, but they don’t keep people.
Belonging is created through validation—the smallest unit of which is “yes.”
And here’s the deeper truth:
Leadership doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Leadership is the support network that forms around you.
If no one wants to stand with you, you’re not leading—you’re just talking.
“Yes” is what builds that network.
People don’t stay because of the mission itself; they stay because of how they feel when they’re inside it.
A leader who says “yes” is doing something profound: they are integrating people into a support structure that makes meaningful work possible.
I see the inverse all the time.
Consider guerrilla gardening: someone pours their heart into cultivating a beautiful native planting on an unused plot, only to have it destroyed by a landowner or city crew. The idea wasn’t wrong, and the execution wasn’t wrong. The problem was that they were alone. Without advocates, even the best ideas can fail. With advocates, even difficult ideas often thrive.
“Yes” is what creates those advocates. When you say “yes” to someone, you:
- reduce friction
- amplify their efforts
- become their advocate
- make the work feel lighter
- make them feel chosen
Naturally, they want to stay and become part of the network that makes the work possible. Someone who reflexively says “no” turns every interaction into labor, causing people to retreat. But a leader who offers a consistent “yes” is telling people, “You don’t have to go it alone.” That is the architecture of belonging.
The Quiet Revolution
In my own life—whether coordinating volunteers in the gardens or navigating daily conversations—I try to remember the power of that coworker’s quiet, consistent yes. You don’t have to execute every idea that comes your way. But you can always offer the validation of hearing someone out without defaulting to dismissal.
Listening to someone, understanding what matters to them, and saying “yes” to their perspective isn’t just politeness. It’s a way of saying:
- you matter
- your existence is meaningful
- your efforts are supported
In a world quick to dismiss, choosing to be the person who says “yes” is a quiet revolution of its own.
